Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts: 1 - 50 Deep Thoughts: 51-100
Deep Thoughts: 101-150 Deep Thoughts: 151-200
Deep Thoughts: 201-250 Deep Thoughts: 251-300
My Favorite Deep Thoughts!
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My Faves!: 1-10
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always
end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all
get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too,
and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any
toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it
with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the
face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and
offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but
then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a
little, but that's the way of these people.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us died of tuberculosis
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture,
is the story of Popeye.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm
myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When
the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the
porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a
note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm
done.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe
you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey,
free dummy.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think
liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong,
though. It's Hambone.
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going
to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may
the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start,
and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could
explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a
good laugh.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you
walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You
can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
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My Faves!: 11-20
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then
I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the
questions?
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons. (maybe
by shoving them down his throat).
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that
I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was
thinking about doing that anyway.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I
sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking
and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody:
First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage
that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too.
Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's
okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him
to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has
more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator
was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had
to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe
by laughing he would forget what he asked me.
The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the
floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile.
You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you.
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My Faves!: 21-30
Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.
If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.
I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!
It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because 'where does he think he's going'?!
Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the same thing: a better house!
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."
If you want to be the popular one at a party, here a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, "Well, technically that's illegal." It might fit in with that somebody just said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.
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My Top Ten Favorite Deep Thoughts!
10. I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns---regular sun and "rogue" sun.
That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I'd say, "Regular time?"
And they'd say, "Yeah." And I'd say, "Sorry, all I have is rogue time."
It'd be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy.
9. As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was
very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A
HUMAN HEAD!!
8. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried,
but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started
to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
7. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered
where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
circus, and a clown killed my dad.
6. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck,
and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because "what
is that thing."
5. I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's Todd. Todd Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship.
4. If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!
3. Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it up, but that cable just keeps right on going, clear across a field, until you come to a bunch of guys who are burying the cable. Then just walk up to them and go, "Hey, have you seen Fred?" And they'll say, "Fred who?" And you say, "Fred of snakes?" Then cover your ears, because big laughs are coming.
2. When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
1. Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of
freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks
at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not
Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.
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