Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts: 1 - 50 Deep Thoughts: 51-100
Deep Thoughts: 101-150 Deep Thoughts: 151-200
Deep Thoughts: 201-250 Deep Thoughts: 251-300
My Favorite Deep Thoughts!
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Deep Thoughts: 251-260
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said 'inspection.'" They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.
I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.
If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith.
Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise.
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!
What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. That's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That's an honest question, and I'll try to give it an honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison feather?
I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk. After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw some water in his face or something.
I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy, and I'll tell you why: Both fly, and both have a beard.
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Deep Thoughts: 261-270
Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.
If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, "A girl? You must have mixed me up with THAT dork!" and point to another father.
I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel.
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."
I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge.
If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because then I could walk around on two feet with a lot of other guys like me.
The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the meteor-through some kind of space warp or something. "Go, Bob, go!" yelled one of the generals. "Give me that!" said the big-guy general as he took the microphone away. "Listen, Bob," he said. "You've got to steer that meteor away from Earth." "Yes, but how?" thought Bob. Then he got an idea. Right next to him there was a steering wheel sticking out of the meteor.
If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they smack you, ick!, you're all over their lip.
Isn't it funny how whenever we got o a country fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth.
A QUIZ: If I am my brother's brother, who am I? (Answer: me.)
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Deep Thoughts: 271-280
People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair.
If you want to be the popular one at a party, here a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, "Well, technically that's illegal." It might fit in with that somebody just said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.
To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than that. It was a flag of surrender. And after that, it was torn up and used for shoe-shine rags, so the men would look nice for the surrender.
It's easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly. But also, check out his Adam's apple!
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?
There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then "skinned." I'm not sure what the fourth stage is.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't really our civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our REAL civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving good-bye.
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground, and live there. But don't ever call us "ants," because we hate that.
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Deep Thoughts: 281-290
If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him.
If I had the time to sit down and write a thank-you note to everyone who sent me a nice, expensive present, what a wonderful world that would be!
You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)
It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, and dial. My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawking and cheeping. "What?! What?!" I would yell back, but he never did speak English.
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Deep Thoughts: 291-300
That's all folks!
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