Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts: 1 - 50 Deep Thoughts: 51-100
Deep Thoughts: 101-150 Deep Thoughts: 151-200
Deep Thoughts: 201-250 Deep Thoughts: 251-300
My Favorite Deep Thoughts!
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Deep Thoughts: 101-110
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons. (maybe by shoving them down his throat).
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
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Deep Thoughts: 111-120
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
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Deep Thoughts: 121-130
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think that "fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."
You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)
You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?!
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Deep Thoughts: 131-140
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.
Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.
If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you.
If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY!
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.
I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!
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Deep Thoughts: 141-150
If you're an archaeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.
Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way. Cars, too!
I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.
Whenever I need to "get away," I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect. The only bad thing there are the flies. They're terrible!
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?
Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass.
Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around.
If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors.
There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then "skinned." I'm not sure what the fourth stage is.
When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.
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