January 5, 1967:
I'm so happy to have gotten a diary. I've always wanted one to put my deepest, darkest thoughts. This is my first time so I may not be able to put anything too personal, well here goes! I'll talk about The Monkees. The show I'm on is doing so well. I'm so excited! I feel like.... KILLING SOMEONE!!!!! Ha ha ha ha ha!!! Maybe I'll kill Micky or those bloody Beatles for getting in on my action!
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January 7, 1967:
I just got back from a photo shoot for the Tiger Beat. I think they took some good pictures, shows my true self. I saw the prints, I didn't know my eyes were that black. Tomorrow we're going to Hawaii, I can't wait. I'm going to take you my favourite journal!
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January 8, 1967:
The beach is wonderful! I buried my stupid band mates up to their necks where I hoped to chop their heads off! But nooooo! Some stupid security worker for the beach had to come over and ask for Micky Dolenz's autograph! Why him of all people? He's the stupid one! I hate them, I hate them all! EVIL!
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March 21, 1994:
I finally found my diary again after nearly thirty years! My poor diary, I don't know what happened but I took you to the beach and later that day you were gone! Probably some stupid fan, I'm going to kill them all !!! I went insane without you. Over the years I have become more and more evil. My stare will turn the strongest man into stone! I am all powerful but then my damn show had to cancel! I was on the Brady Bunch but after that I fell out of the spotlight, doing cameos in crappy movies and reunion tours with those bastards! I must turn my life around and get back into acting! A movie "Dumb and Dumber" is coming along, I think I'll try out for the main lead! Wish me luck, diary!
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March 30, 1994:
Those bastards will pay for not getting me for their stupid movie! Who's this Jim Carrey guy anyway? I'm better than he is! Funnier too! I still can't believe they didn't hire me, I mean I even put in contacts to cover my evil black eyes and filed my teeth down! I mean look at me! Still they didn't want me! They will all die!
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September 14, 1995:
Life sucks diary! I just want to die, I think I will commit suicide. I can't get a job, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a dog, a sheep, a car, a friend, a sheep! I'm worthless. It'll all end here unless something happens within the next ten minutes!
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Within the Next Ten Minutes:
Good news diary! We're going to Fargo, ND! A place called Perkins has hired me! It doesn't pay much but it beats living off these royalties from all the Monkey's albums sold and living in this stupid mansion with this stupid swimming pool and this stupid southern California climate! This is going to be great! Let's pack up and KILL PEOPLE!
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February 25, 1996:
I met this kid in Bismarck! I pretended to be his friend and asked to take a picture with him. His name is Christopher Hovden! We're taking the picture tomorrow! Then I will kill him!
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February 26, 1996:
Damn it! I took the picture with this Chris, but I couldn't kill him! He's too damned fast. I think he thought I was gay or something and after the picture he wouldn't accept my invitation to dinner which really would have been an invitation to DEATH!!! Too bad he got away, looks like I'll have to find some other prey!
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June 3, 1998:
I found new prey diary! He seems really nice, just as evil as me! His name is Todd! I think he and I will get an army of evil and go around taking leases from people then killing them! There's this chap that works at the north Perkins in Bismarck. People say he is the Lease Man! Leif is his name.
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June 14, 1998:
Once again I have been foiled! This Todd bloke was not evil at all! Just talking about killing little babies made him leave my dungeon! That Leif guy seemed pretty cool though, he really liked the way I decorated my dungeon. He said, "I'm going to decorate me dungeon like yours, me lord!" Anyway, we chased after Todd but he got away in his speedy 1986 Chevy Celebrity. We'll get him yet! Ha ha ha ha!!!!
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June 19, 1998:
Leif and I found out that this Hovden and Todd guy are friends. We'll strike their friends now and hopefully they will come out of hiding. Our target is their friend Amber! She has a weak will and should be attracted to a really short former TV star! I will win her heart then rip it out and eat it!! EVIL, EVIL!
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June 21, 1998:
The Amber was easily seduced. Took me only two days to get her "in the sack". She's a rough one, woo! Leif was nice enough to take a picture of her and me. I feel bad about killing her so I've decided to move back to Fargo and become a manager at south Perkins. So long my love, Amber!
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June 22, 1998:
Diary! I just met the greatest woman! Who cares about Amber! She is evil like me and we share the same last name! We will live forever with one another's love.
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August 28, 1998:
I'm sad, diary! I have to go back to Fargo to work at Perkins and Elise has to go to St. Olaf school. Whatever will I do without my evil counterpart!? I know! I'll record a record and get back on top! Something extra evil, dedicated to Elise!
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December 8, 1998:
The CD is out! It's a hit! I just love the title of the CD and the album cover is just so.... EVIL!!!
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December 24, 1998:
Damn it! The record companies screwed me and a day before Christmas!!! I signed a contract that gave them all profits and I have to do another CD, then I get the profits from that second one! I can't make another cd! This one was a hit. I need Elise "Evil" Jones, she can help me write songs! Maybe some Irish drunk songs or maybe a song titled "P-lise". Who am I kidding, I'll never do a good job. I had better just keep working at Perkins and wait for the day that Chris and Todd by chance come back to Perkins when I'm working!
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December 29, 2001:
Ha ha ha! Todd and Hovden have stumbled into Perkins this evening not knowing that they will die! I keep walking by them and staring at them hoping they will turn to stone, but so far no luck! I will keep trying.
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Ten minutes later:
Damn it, my powers are weak. I didn't turn either of them to stone. They are strong and I have not used my powers in a long time. Oh well, guess I'll get back to vacuuming. No! NO! NOOOO! I will not vacuum! I cannot live without powers. Diary, I am done. I am going to kill myself by looking into a mirror and turning myself into stone. Goodbye diary!!!!!
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January 23, 2002:
Ha ha! Diary I am back! I didn't kill myself but I just wrote that I was going to because I knew someone was looking into my diary! I wrote it in there to trick them! I have killed them by making them live on the streets because Leif signed all the leases so they couldn't rent an apartment and it's winter so they froze to death. I know, I know. It was very swift of a kill but it was still EVIL!!!!! On to more pressing matters! Leif and I just caught someone taking surveillance pictures of me. That bastard will die! More to come diary!!!!........
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January 23, 2002:
That damn Todd has stumbled upon my early recording of "Stepping Stone". He will pay for his snooping! He ruined everything and by everything I mean whatever hinged on me keeping the early recording of "Stepping Stone" secret. Oh, I guess he really didn't ruin anything... but I'm still going to kill him! Ha, ha, ha!!!
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